Well, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve written lots in the down time, but nothing post worthy. Mostly pretty down, depressing, not-upward-at-all kind of stuff.
I continue to be shocked at how many people read my blog. And humbled. Really, really humbled actually. And I am encouraged by how many of you contact me to let me know that you’re reading and that you miss it when I’m not writing. That baffles my mind. But hey, whatever, I’m glad for it even if you are a little crazy.
So, everybody’s asking me why I’m quiet lately. No joke, not a single day goes by that I don’t hear something like “You’re so quiet, what’s wrong? It’s not like you.” Which makes me laugh because it’s confirmation that I do indeed have a big mouth. Turns out that every teacher I’ve ever had was right and I don’t know how to shut up. Oh well.
This blog was started for a few reasons. First, I love to write. I have a dozen or so journals going at any given time and I thought it would be cool to have a new kind of space. I wanted to document the last year of my 30’s in a really fun, lighthearted way. Partly because I’m a little nervous about turning 40, partly because I think it’s hilarious that I’m going to be 40 (I seriously feel like I just finished high school yesterday), and mostly because I had just come through kind of a crappy time and had determined that this year was going to be amazing and I wanted to share it with some of my favorite people (I didn’t realize that people I’ve never met would be even remotely interested in my rambling). I was hoping that it would be an encouragement to others and that it would even, on occasion, give folks a little laugh.
So, what happened? That crappy time that I thought I’d come through…turns out it wasn’t really over. Yep. I jumped the gun and made the mistake of thinking “Well, at least it can’t get any worse.” Yeah, that’s the wrong attitude to have…because it can.
I’ve got to say, I hate it when people are cryptic about their problems. And I hate it when people share their woes for attention. So, I’m kinda stuck in that I don’t really know how to share this without doing either. Forgive me if you’re like me and hate this kind of thing.
So just as I was settling in to being divorced and raising my kids on my own…and then taking in my two year old nephew…my dad got sick. Like, really sick. Stage 4 cancer kind of sick. And he doesn’t really have anybody since he and my mom got divorced a few years ago. So, he has moved up from Columbus, OH to stay with me during the next couple of months while he goes through radiation/chemotherapy treatments.
Yuck. I hate putting that out there. But lots of you are asking, and so there…that’s what’s wrong. That’s why I’ve been quiet. I just don’t have much to say at this point. At least not much positive which is really all that I’d love to share. Because one thing I know is that we all have our own junk to deal with, and you don’t need mine too! I’m also learning that no matter how bad I think I have it, it could always be worse.
This past week, my dad was in the hospital and while he slept most of the time, his roommate was always awake and willing to chat. So I got to know Rob pretty well. What a cool guy and a great story teller. He just turned 53 and has a very aggressive bone cancer. He was diagnosed in January, two weeks after his wife had returned home from the hospital after having a brain aneurysm. But he had the best attitude and the most amazing outlook on life. Here’s this guy that has no idea if he’ll survive this, and he’s in the hospital for four days to go through a brutal chemo regimen…and he spent his time encouraging me to stay positive?
Last year, the first time I had to go to the court house for my divorce, as I walked away from the metal detector area, an attorney that was walking in behind me stopped me, handed me a business card and said “Here sweetie, in case you need anything.” It had a Bible verse on the back of it. I was surprised by the sentiment because it was the same verse I had just written out THAT DAY on a white board at my desk at work. And then, before he was released on Sunday, Rob wrote this down on a napkin for me “Psalm 34:18 – The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”. The same verse. I don’t know why I’m always surprised by God’s reminders to me, but I am.
So, I’m going to try a little harder to continue to be positive. How could I not, when I get such clear reminders that I’m not alone in this. And honestly, aside from being quiet, I’m doing alright most of the time. The kids and I are adjusting…again. And I have no doubt that we’ll get through this. We always do.