Today I am starting a challenge. A writing challenge. That sounds ridiculous, at least to me.
A challenge? To make myself write?
I love to write. I love words. I love putting them together and making them dance in a line until they turn into something beautiful that makes people smile. I love using words to express my own feelings and I especially love when something that I’ve written makes someone else think “That’s me! That’s exactly how I feel.” I love when my writing lets someone know that they aren’t alone. I love when I can use my words to inspire someone else to be kind or more patient, to see things from a different perspective or to take chances or to be bold. To be bold. Like me, right?
I love to write. But I had to join a challenge in order to make myself do it. Thus the ridiculousness.
I’m not really sure why I’m so hesitant to write for pleasure. I say that it’s because my job requires so much writing. I have to write at work and so by the end of the day when I have any free time, my brain is tired and I can’t manage to string the words together the way that I would like to. I just couldn’t possibly write in the evening.
I’m pretty that’s just an excuse. Because if that was the only issue, I would just need to write in the morning, right? But I never do that. I don’t. I won’t. I say that I’m just not a morning person and my brain is tired in the morning and I can’t think straight. I just couldn’t possibly write in the morning.
Maybe the problem is my always-tired brain? Or maybe I’m afraid.
If I’m being honest, that’s it. I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to think of something valuable to write. I’m afraid that I have nothing clever or witty or funny or heartfelt to say. I’m afraid that I don’t have any original thoughts to write about. I’m afraid that what I write will not be good. I’m afraid that nobody will want to read it and that if they do, they will think it’s terrible. My mind constantly tells me that these things – and so many more – will undoubtedly happen. I. Will. Fail.
I’m afraid to fail.
Do you see how twisted my mind is? I have basically convinced myself that if I start really writing and I fail, then I can no longer call myself a writer. But, if I never actually write then I can continue to call myself a writer. What? That doesn’t even make any sense.
So, I am going to commit to writing at least 500 words a day. Only, today I have to write 1,000 words because I actually started the challenge yesterday and then I didn’t write. Day one and I didn’t even do it.
And already I have checked the word count about ten times. 500 is a lot more words than you would think.
This is going to be way harder than I anticipated.