addiction is going to be the death of me

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Addiction is going to be the death of me, and I’ve never even used.

If you have an addict in your life you know exactly what I’m talking about. Every time your loved one uses, you think to yourself:

I just cannot do this one more time, this addiction is going to kill me. 

My sister has been struggling with her heroin addiction for what feels like my whole life, but it’s probably really been  less than ten years. I honestly can’t remember. When you have an addict in your life, everyday feels like an eternity.

Especially days that you don’t hear from them, those take forever. Because when you’re waiting with your phone in hand for a call telling you that they’re dead, every minute feels like an hour.

My sister and I have talked at length over the past few months about how tough it is to be suffering in addiction. (whether you’re the user or the used – because that’s what the rest of us are) There’s this terrible stigma around it and although it’s getting slightly better since people are starting to talk about it, it’s still tough. I’ve told her that I’m tired of not talking about it. I’m tired of pretending that it’s not devastating to be the family member of an addict. Pretending isn’t helping anybody. I know how uncomfortable it makes other people when I talk about heroin. I get it, I’d be uncomfortable too if it hadn’t gotten so up close and personal in my life.

But heroin doesn’t make me uncomfortable anymore. It just pisses me off.

Heroin has completely destroyed my sister’s life and it has turned my own life upside down. Actually it has done so much more than that, but it’s been a really rough day in this addiction and my head hurts and  I can’t seem to think of words that capture the essence of what this drug has done to me and my family.

The destructive power that this drug has over people is unbelievable. The fact that they are willing to sacrifice everything that they have – money, job, education, family, their own children – tells you how purely evil this drug is. I have never seen anything like it.

Just this morning I was sharing with some friends how excited I was that my sister has been clean for a few months. Things have really been going well for her. She’s working, holding a job, got a car, found a cute little house to rent and is moving this weekend. She has been so excited. People have really rallied around her to make sure she has furniture and everything that she’ll need for this new start. It has been a really great couple of months.

And then this afternoon that same sister – the one whose life is finally looking up – she got off work and headed straight down to see her dope man to get high. She sacrificed every single thing that she has going for her for a momentary fix. I don’t get it.

I don’t understand this disease, this drug that holds people prisoner and gets them to choose it over and over again. This drug that convinces it’s faithful subjects that the people that love them don’t matter, I just don’t understand.

And so this evening,  I sit here thinking, worrying, wondering, praying, crying, being pissed and feeling like:

I just cannot do this one more time, this addiction is going to kill me. 

Addiction is going to be the death of me. And I’ve never even used. 

 

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “addiction is going to be the death of me

  1. kathie

    Oh, Michelle, How heart breaking. Maybe you and all your sister’s love ones were too giving and helpful and supportive. Maybe she needs rock bottom, no where to go, no one to talk to, nothing to eat and no way to get money. I know that this is a nightmare for everyone in your sister’s life … I wish there was something I could do to help YOU. I am so so so sorry!

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