Seasons Change

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So we’ve had like five nice days here in Michigan this year.Yesterday it got up in the 80s and I couldn’t believe how many people I heard complaining about the heat. Does nobody remember the seemingly endless piles of snow we just got done shoveling? Maybe I’m the only one driving a car that gets stuck at the end of the driveway if there’s any mention of snow. All I know is that I’m thankful for the heat, grateful for this change of season.

Isn’t it just like us to wish away a season though?

Because in the midst of every season, there is some sorta something that makes us unhappy. It’s too hot, too cold, too humid, too snowy, too sticky, too rainy, too dry. We’re never happy.

It’s like this in life too. We’re never happy in our season. Some other season always looks better and we want to be there. If I could just be in that other season, THEN I’d be happy.

I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I got married young, started my family…and almost immediately started wishing away that season. Babies were a lot of work, they always needed something. I couldn’t take a shower or go to the bathroom alone. There was always someone knocking or fingers under the door or somebody crying on the other side. I remember trying to take a bath one night, I had a book to read and candles lit and was ready for this much deserved break from my two tiny boys. And I remember starting to cry when they wouldn’t stop pounding on the door and crying and screaming and fighting. I thought to myself  I just want them to leave me alone. I can’t wait until they’re older. Now they’re 18 and 20 and what I wouldn’t give to have them beg me to read them one more bedtime story. But they’re all grown up and moving on and I wish that I had enjoyed that season a little more. I wish I’d have seen what a blessing it was to have little ones that couldn’t stand to leave this mama’s side.

I’ve had lots of seasons that couldn’t have gone fast enough. I’ve wished and willed and prayed them out of existence like it was my only job. Because every season has it’s struggles and when we’re in the midst of it, sometimes that’s the only thing we can see is the struggle. But that doesn’t mean that’s the only thing that’s there. I promise you that there is also a blessing…even though sometimes it’s a little tough to find. But it’s there because God doesn’t allow pain without a purpose.

I’ve recently endured some pretty rough seasons. Seasons full of ice and snow and lots of cold. Seasons that I didn’t know how I’d survive. Seasons of caring for my own kids, and other people’s kids, and loved ones and friends that needed help. And there was a season of caring for my dad and if you’ve cared for a cancer patient, you know. And if you haven’t, I hope you never know.  It was a season full of struggle and trust me when I say that I almost always focused on that and almost always missed out on the blessings. But there were times – quiet times in the hospital watching my dad sleep peacefully; visits with my kids when he was feeling up to playing rummy; even when I couldn’t sleep because he’d have “Little House On The Prairie” up as loud as the T.V. would go, but it reminded me of the days we watched it together when I was a little girl. The blessings…they were there in the season too, I just had a hard time finding them in the midst of the struggle.

You may not see the blessing in this season, but you’ll see it in the next. You may not be the first person to see it, someone may have to point it out to you, but you’ll see it eventually. You may not ever want to relive that painful season, but you’ll be able to use your experience to help someone else live through a similar one. And when you do that, it’ll give your pain a purpose and that season won’t seem so bad after all.

I recently read a brilliant quote that said “The days are long, but the years are short”. Isn’t that true? Some of my days are so long they feel as if  they’ll never end. But then I think back on the years that have flown by and I wonder where has the time gone? Where are my toddling children? How can it be that they are taking jobs in other states and flying far away from me? Didn’t I just finish wiping the spaghettios off their little faces?

What’s your season right now? A difficult job? A wayward child? An ailing parent? A scary diagnosis?  I hope you know that it is just that – a season. It’ll pass, as they always do. And although you may have a hard time seeing through the struggle in your season, work hard to find the blessing. It’s there. I promise.

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You’re Quiet…What’s Wrong?

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Well, it’s been a while since I’ve posted.  I’ve written lots in the down time, but nothing post worthy.  Mostly pretty down, depressing, not-upward-at-all kind of stuff.

I continue to be shocked at how many people read my blog.  And humbled.  Really, really humbled actually.  And I am encouraged by how many of you contact me to let me know that you’re reading and that you miss it when I’m not writing. That baffles my mind.  But hey, whatever, I’m glad for it even if you are a little crazy.

So, everybody’s asking me why I’m quiet lately.  No joke, not a single day goes by that I don’t hear something like “You’re so quiet, what’s wrong? It’s not like you.”  Which makes me laugh because it’s confirmation that I do indeed have a big mouth.  Turns out that every teacher I’ve ever had was right and I don’t know how to shut up.  Oh well.

This blog was started for a few reasons.  First, I love to write.  I have a dozen or so journals going at any given time and I thought it would be cool to have a new kind of space.  I wanted to document the last year of my 30’s in a really fun, lighthearted way.  Partly because I’m a little nervous about turning 40, partly because I think it’s hilarious that I’m going to be 40 (I seriously feel like I just finished high school yesterday), and mostly because I had just come through kind of a crappy time and had determined that this year was going to be amazing and I wanted to share it with some of my favorite people (I didn’t realize that people I’ve never met would be even remotely interested in my rambling).  I was hoping that it would be an encouragement to others and that it would even, on occasion, give folks a little laugh.

So, what happened?  That crappy time that I thought I’d come through…turns out it wasn’t really over. Yep. I jumped the gun and made the mistake of thinking “Well, at least it can’t get any worse.”  Yeah, that’s the wrong attitude to have…because it can.

I’ve got to say, I hate it when people are cryptic about their problems.  And I hate it when people share their woes for attention.  So, I’m kinda stuck in that I don’t really know how to share this without doing either. Forgive me if you’re like me and hate this kind of thing.

So just as I was settling in to being divorced and raising my kids on my own…and then taking in my two year old nephew…my dad got sick.  Like, really sick. Stage 4 cancer kind of sick.  And he doesn’t really have anybody since he and my mom got divorced a few years ago.  So, he has moved up from Columbus, OH to stay with me during the next couple of months while he goes through radiation/chemotherapy treatments.

Yuck.  I hate putting that out there.  But lots of you are asking, and so there…that’s what’s wrong.  That’s why I’ve been quiet.  I just don’t have much to say at this point.  At least not much positive which is really all that I’d love to share.  Because one thing I know is that we all have our own junk to deal with, and you don’t need mine too!  I’m also learning that no matter how bad I think I have it, it could always be worse.

This past week, my dad was in the hospital and while he slept most of the time, his roommate was always awake and willing to chat.  So I got to know Rob pretty well.  What a cool guy and a great story teller.  He just turned 53 and has a very aggressive bone cancer.  He was diagnosed in January, two weeks after his wife had returned home from the hospital after having a brain aneurysm.  But he had the best attitude and the most amazing outlook on life.  Here’s this guy that has no idea if he’ll survive this, and he’s in the hospital for four days to go through a brutal chemo regimen…and he spent his time encouraging me to stay positive?

Last year, the first time I had to go to the court house for my divorce, as I walked away from the metal detector area, an attorney that was walking in behind me stopped me, handed me a business card and said “Here sweetie, in case you need anything.” It had a Bible verse on the back of it.  I was surprised by the sentiment because it was the same verse I had just written out THAT DAY on a white board at my desk at work.  And then, before he was released on Sunday, Rob wrote this down on a napkin for me “Psalm 34:18 – The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”. The same verse. I don’t know why I’m always surprised by God’s reminders to me, but I am.

So, I’m going to try a little harder to continue to be positive. How could I not, when I get such clear reminders that I’m not alone in this. And honestly, aside from being quiet, I’m doing alright most of the time.  The kids and I are adjusting…again.  And I have no doubt that we’ll get through this.  We always do.

 

 

Doughnut Bottoms and Muffin Tops

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I had the rare opportunity this morning to stop at the mall with no children in tow.  I could barely contain my excitement as I was walking in.  Actually, I might have frightened the little old lady walking out who decided to hold the door for me.  “OH MY GOSH!!! Door service, THANK YOU SO MUCH!  WOW, THIS DAY JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER.  That was so nice of you to hold the door for me, really, you didn’t need to do that, but thank you!  You have a great day now!”  I probably should’ve just said thanks, she looked pretty confused and a little afraid.

I wanted to wander the store aimlessly, possibly trying on one of everything in my size.  But I was on a mission and since I’m pretty much broke, I decided that I’d better get in and get out.  I needed to pick up a new pair of shoes for Little B who has decided that his tennis shoes make a great set of brakes while he’s riding his scooter.  I got the shoes and headed out…well, started to head out at least. But I decided that I’d better check out the new styles for summer before I left.

Now, admittedly, it’s been a while since I’ve shopped.  But I did not realize how out of the loop I am on today’s fashion.

What the heck are these?

doughnut pants

They look to be pants covered in doughnuts, right?  (For those of you that don’t have a sweet tooth, they also have cheeseburgers and pizza print available.)

Please tell me I’m missing something and that these pants are not really trending.  Or better yet, if you see someone wearing these…please send me a picture, it would really make my day.

Guess I no longer need to be embarrassed about being a child of the 80’s.  Our style’s got nothing on doughnut print leggings.

 

 

Excuse me ma’am…but those shorts don’t fit you

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I try pretty hard not to complain. But some things just irk me and today I was feeling especially irritable.  I would usually just vent about this to a select few people, certainly not in a public space…but I can’t help it today, so here it goes.

In Michigan, I get that it feels like summer is here when the sun comes out for a few days in a row.  Or when the temperatures hit a certain high…like 50 degrees or so. But you can always tell that summer is really near when all of the moms start trying to squeeze their 40 year old rear ends into their 12 year old daughters size 2 booty shorts. As I sat at my son’s little league baseball game today I saw more than my share of these moms and it got me thinking that there are some things that us moms  just shouldn’t wear.  I think most of these could be for any time, but we’ll just call this little league etiquette.  I compiled a list in my head at the game…as I sat there wearing my winter coat and wrapped in a wool blanket watching those other moms pretend that they weren’t freezing.

The first and most obvious one based on my observations today is booty shorts.  I know you must’ve been roasting in that 52 degree weather, but come on ladies, there is no need to show the world your cheeks.  I don’t care if you’re a size 2 or size 22, there is no need for all of us other parents to have to look at your ass hanging out all over the place…we just want to watch our kids play ball.

Shorts/Pants with words on the butt.  You are not a “cutie” or “sweet” and it’s just plain stupid for your butt to say “pink”.  I’m a firm believer that a woman’s butt is not meant to be a surface for reading material.  (I especially think this is true for your daughters…there is no reason in the world to draw attention to your child’s behind…but that’s for another time.)

Pajamas.  Nothing says “I don’t give a crap about my appearance” like wearing your pjs out in public.  My son’s game was at 1:00 this afternoon.  Why in the world are you in your pajamas?  You’re a freaking grown up!  Didn’t you have any responsibilities to fulfill today before the game that required you to get dressed?  Grocery shopping, yard work, anything?  Maybe you should’ve gotten dressed to go into 7-11 and get that Big Gulp of Mountain Dew that you’re letting your toddler drink.

Yoga pants/leggings.  Call them what you want, they’re tights. And they’re not appropriate outerwear attire, ever.  Not for you.  Not for your daughter.  Not for anyone.  Unless of course they are worn underneath something, then they’re acceptable.  But not alone…do you not look in a mirror?  Do you not see what we see, which is basically everything?

Tiny Tees.  Are you trying to cut costs by buying children’s size clothing?  Listen, I am one of you.  I know firsthand that my belly just isn’t as flat as it used to be pre-little darlings.  But why accentuate it by wearing a shirt that clings to every roll?

Tanks with built-in-bras.  It may not say it on the tag, but these are not meant for us moms.  We all know that the girls lose their perkiness once we’re graced with a little one.  They’ve had their time to shine, and it was years ago. There is no amount of building-in that will help us.  You need a bra, a bra is your friend.

Hey, I’m not being judgmental.  I’m really not.  I couldn’t care less how you dress most of the time.  But spare your child the embarrassment on the field. And for the sake of all of us other parents who really just want to watch our kids play ball, it would just be really nice if you could wear clothes…that actually fit you…for the remainder of the season.

 

 

 

Broken Parts

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Several years ago I took up running for the first time.  I’ve given it up and taken it up again three times since then.  But my first attempt at running was thwarted by a pretty serious injury, a stress fracture of my knee.  And even though I’ve had surgery to repair it, it still gives me trouble to this day.

The other day, (that one day of spring that we had here in Michigan), when the sun came out,  I was so anxious to get outside and run.  I can’t even believe I’m saying that because most days I hate running.  But anyhow, I couldn’t wait to get out and so off I went.  Now, mind you, I haven’t really ran much at all since my marathon last October.   Six full months ago.  But being that the last time I ran I finished 26.2 miles, I was feeling pretty ambitious. So I got out my earbuds, put on my (now too tight) running clothes and took off.  I was feeling pretty good for a mile and even the second mile wasn’t awful.  But my knee started bugging me and I was smart enough to turn around then.  Mile three was tolerable but that fourth mile, well that one was no fun at all.  My knee was killing me.  That injury from almost twelve stupid years ago showed up to haunt me, and I hate it.

As I hobbled my way homeward, cursing my knee and the stupid reminder of something broken so long ago, I had this weird thought.  (Ok, it’s a stretch but just track with me for a minute, I think this might make sense in the end.)

I was wondering how an injury from practically ages ago, that I thought had been dealt with, could still show up in my life now and then.  Unwelcome, uninvited…but it shows up nonetheless.  And that led me to wonder if the same thing isn’t true about broken relationships.  Are all of the things that hurt me, all the broken parts, going to show up for my whole life?  Following me around and haunting me at inopportune moments?  Am I gonna be constantly limping my way through every relationship in my future?  Because I can’t even imagine how terrible that would be.

I sometimes use my old injury as an excuse to not run.  “Hey do you wanna meet up and do three miles?” “Oh, I’d love to, but ya know…my knee.  I just can’t.” And I can totally see myself using old injuries in my relationships to keep people away if I’m not careful. I’ve never really been one to be guarded. I’ve always been open about pretty much everything with just about everyone. But I’ve noticed changes in myself recently that I don’t like, I’ve been a little more reserved with people.  Giving short answers and not sharing things that I normally would.  I have not isolated myself at all, but I’ve certainly disengaged a little bit with some people that I love.  I don’t want to live my life like that. I’ll have to figure out how to fix that broken part.

One thing that I really hate is when people excuse away their own bad behavior.  “I can’t help it that I’m always accusing you of doing things…but you know I have trust issues from my last boyfriend.” Or “You know I get defensive easily, I can’t help it. My ex-husband was always pointing out my flaws.” Whatever.  If I become like that, somebody please punch me.  I don’t EVER want to use my past hurts to excuse my future bad behavior.  I’ll have to figure out how to fix that broken part too.

It’s frustrating to think that a bad relationship can have such an effect on future relationships.  How can I expect to ever have a healthy relationship if I have all of these broken parts that are likely to start hurting if they get triggered by the slightest thing?

My hope is that this early self-diagnosis is going to be healthy for me.  My doctor gave me a bunch of exercises and stretches to do to help out with my knee.  He told me that it would never be 100% but that if I really work on it, it could be close.  I’m hoping that a knee and a heart aren’t really all that different.

 

 

 

39 years, one month…and a never ending winter.

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Well, I survived the first month of being 39.  It was sort of anticlimactic in that it felt pretty much the same as 38.  Not that I really expected it to feel any different, but I was hoping I’d feel wiser or something.  So far, the only thing that’s been different about this year is that we seem to be stuck in a never ending winter. But I’m pretty sure that has nothing to do with my creeping up on 40.

I am not a fan of cold weather.  However, I am not going to complain about the long winter…or the sub-arctic temperatures…or even the mountain of snow that once was my yard. I am committed to seeing the glass-half-full…but my heart is yearning for Spring to come.  I am craving sunshine and warm breezes.  Green grass and flowers.  I’ll even take the mosquitoes.  In all of my years, I don’t recall ever wanting a season to end so badly. I feel desperate for change.

This past week I was talking to a friend and we started lamenting about the weather. It’s sort of a shared misery here in the mitten, an easy topic to grieve over. And I thought about how I have this new ache in my heart for it to be Spring.  Then I heard a song on the radio that had a line “bad times make the good times better”.  And that’s what this is.  It’s a bad time that is going to make a good time so much better.

When If Spring arrives this year, I promise that I will not complain about chilly temperatures, or rain or even the bugs.  I will be grateful for the beauty of the grass and leaves and flowers. I will enjoy every single bud that I see.  I will appreciate the scent of the rain, even when it smells like worms. I will be thankful for every day that I can venture out without wearing a coat.

But I also want to remember this bad time, my “winter of 39”. Because when I forget the bad times, I start to take the good times for granted.  I wish I didn’t slip so easily back into that habit, but I know me, and that’s what I do.

I’m not talking so much about seasons of weather as I am about seasons of life. This winter has served as a reminder to me that my bad times will make my good times better. I don’t want to take a single good thing for granted in my life.  I want these bad times to make my good times better and sweeter than ever before.

So as these literal and figurative winters (hopefully) come to an end,  and as I continue on towards the big 4-0, I vow to remember the bad, and even to try to remember it fondly, so that I live a life full of gratitude for all of the good that is to come.

“Old Friends” Are The Very Best Kind

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Some people hoard stuff.  Me, I’m more of a hoarder of friends. I love making new friends and I like keeping my friends for a long, long time.  So I have a lot of them. Some old, some new…and some forever. I’d never really given much thought to the fact that I’m still friends with people that I’ve known for so many years and it wasn’t until recently that I realized this is pretty uncommon.  Who knew? I figured that everyone had a group of, or at least a few, old friends.  The kind that have known you forever and they still like you.  Old friends are the very best kind, and the older the friendship the better.  

If you know me, I’m sure you’ve heard me start a story with “I have this group of friends from middle school that…”.  I’m not really sure why I preface everything I say about these ladies with that, but I do. My newer friends don’t get that, I might say “My friend so and so…”, but this particular group gets special acknowledgment.  I guess they deserve it after knowing me for a practical lifetime and still putting up with me.  We don’t get together nearly often enough, but our friendship is precious to me.  Not only did I grow up with them, but now I get to see their families grow too.

If you’re fortunate enough to have a collection of old friends, you’ll know these things to be true:

With old friends, there is no need to pretend that you are anything more than what you are.  They’ve seen you at your worst and they’re still around.  And while you may be embarrassed if other people see old photos of you, you never have to worry about old friends, because they were there and saw your awkwardness first hand.

Old friends love you for who you are…but also for who you were and who you’ll become.  There is no judgement in old friendships.  Old friends accept who you are today and understand how far you’ve come from where you started. They’re also your biggest cheerleaders, always rooting for you to be even better in the future, knowing that they’ll still be around to witness everything great that you’ll become.

The best conversations happen with old friends.  When you have a shared history there is never a lull in conversation because someone will always have a “Remember the time when…” story.  Reminiscing is just plain fun and with old friends, a story is just as funny the hundredth time as it was when it first happened. 

Old friends can say things to you that nobody else can.  Trust is built over time, so an old friendship has more trust than even most marriages (unless of course you married your high school sweetheart, which many of my old friends did:). Because of this high level of trust, your friends can say things to you that would be downright hurtful coming from anybody else, but when it comes from them you know that it’s being said out of love.

You laugh harder, longer and far more often with old friends. Ralph Waldo Emerson said it perfectly, “It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”  And being stupid with them is always hilarious for you and perhaps a bit obnoxious to those who have to witness your reunions.

It’s easy to be around old friends.  Getting together with old friends is like going home.  It’s familiar and comfortable and you don’t do it often enough because life gets in the way, but when you get there you just don’t want to leave.  You can go forever without talking but when you get together it’s like no time has passed at all.

The older I get the more I realize that true friendships, the kind that withstand the test of time, are hard to come by.  And with age, I’m growing increasingly grateful for the many people that I feel blessed to call my “old friends.”   

Confessions of a Not-Quite-Perfect Mother

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Today has been one of those days.  Not a good day or a bad day…just a day.  But a day that seems like it’s been going on for years.  It’s 7:15 p.m.  I just put little B down for bed.  It’s 45 minutes before his normal bedtime but thankfully he doesn’t know the difference.  He’s been tired and fussy since I picked him up from childcare which is the worst because I miss him all day and then I finally get to him…and ugh. And then he yells and cries all the way home, no manners at all. “Use your inside voice” I say, forgetting that he’s only a year old and has no idea what I mean.  So he refuses to listen, and I turn up the radio hoping to drown out the crying and in the end I get a headache from Miley Cyrus instead of BenJovi.

But today didn’t start out this way. This morning while I was driving Corey to school, he told me that I should write about being a perfect mom.  I laughed and told him that’s silly, because nobody’s perfect.  To which he replied, “I know you’re not a perfect person…but you’re a perfect mom”.   I thanked him for thinking so, but assured him that I’m nowhere near perfect.  And he looked at me, unconvinced and as serious as could be and said “Maybe you don’t think so, but you don’t get to decide because I’m the kid and I decided that you’re a perfect mom”.  Well, alright then. Who am I to argue with his nine year old logic?

How can it be that he thinks I’m perfect, or even good, when right now I’m sitting here with a sink full of dishes, bath toys still in the tub and I’ve put the baby to bed early just to catch a break.  My sleeve is still soaking wet from giving Ben a bath because I can’t even manage to control a toddler and keep him from splashing.  My kids ate sandwiches for dinner since I didn’t have time to cook when I got home from work because we had to rush out of the house for play rehearsal and Jiu Jitsu class. The laundry that I started this morning is still sitting in the washing machine and the 87 loads that still need to be done are clearly not getting done today. Toys are still covering the floor which hasn’t been vacuumed and I should be packing lunches for tomorrow, but I still have to go back out to pick up kids again and all I really want to do is go to bed.

And then it occurred to me that my kids couldn’t care less about all of those things that I haven’t gotten done today. Nobody does. All of the expectations I had for myself today that I didn’t accomplish, I’m the only one disappointed by them.  All of the crazy pressure I feel to juggle everything perfectly, never dropping the ball on anything…I’m the one that’s putting it there…and it’s okay if I stop doing that to myself.  It’s probably actually even good for me to stop it.

My kids love me simply because I love them and they know it. And today is just that…a day. It’s one day which is just a tiny little dot in the big picture. It’s going to be over shortly and tomorrow I’ll get to start all over again.  Being a not-quite-perfect but not-all-that-terrible-either mom.

Everything’s Amazing

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I remember a couple of years ago watching comedian Louis C.K on Conan O’Brien. I had never seen him before and haven’t seen him since, but this guy was not only hilarious, he was brilliant. He joked about how “everything’s amazing, but nobody’s happy.”  I laughed at the ridiculousness and at the same time thought to myself how very unfunny that truth actually was.

Then I read an article today that had the same idea. It talked about how awesome technology is and how we still complain. Our televisions aren’t big enough, the pictures aren’t clear enough, our cameras don’t have enough pixels, our phones aren’t fast enough and our networks drop calls. For crying out loud, it seems like just a few years ago that nobody had even heard of HD, a television weighed a million pounds and you actually had to walk across the room to turn the channel.  Phones were only connected to the wall in your house and if you weren’t home, you simply missed the call.  Now, pretty much everyone walks around carrying a computer in their pocket and can connect to anywhere in the world…and we complain because it takes 2 seconds instead of 1. There is more technology in our cell phones than there was in the Apollo space craft and we are still not happy! What is wrong with us?  Why can’t we ever be satisfied?

Now, to be totally honest, I don’t really care all that much about technology. It’s cool and all, but I think I could do without it. But even if you put technology aside, everything is amazing. EVERYTHING IS SO AMAZING. 

If you know me at all, you know I have a deep-seated passion to see all people have access to clean water. Do you even realize how amazing it is that you and I can walk a few feet to one of probably several faucets in our house and turn it on and have clean water?  We live in a land where water gets brought from wherever water comes from, and it goes underground through massive amounts of tunnels and pipes to some magical place where it gets cleaned and purified for us and it comes out right in our homes and we could leave it running for hours and hours and it would just continue to come out! (PLEASE DON’T DO THIS…I’m just proving a point here!) But come on, that’s amazing.

Have you ever stopped to think about the fact that you could grow pretty much any food that you wanted right in your backyard? You can go to the store, pick up some seeds, throw them in the ground and in a few weeks, or however long it takes to grow stuff, food will spring right up out of the earth and you can pick it and eat it. That’s amazing, right?

Or, have you ever considered how awesome your body is? I know you might not feel like it’s all that great, but honestly, for a second just think about your body. I can’t even pretend to know anything about the detail and intricacies…but I know that it’s complex. I know that I can just eat pizza and I don’t ever have to think about how my body is going to process it, it just does it. And if I cut my finger, my body knows exactly what to do to fix itself and I think that’s amazing.

And just today, I saw a tiny bit of grass poking out from under the snow and I thought how absolutely, crazy, awesome it is that something could be SO DEAD and yet it will still come back to life.  It blows my mind, especially after this winter when we’ve had like ten feet of snow, that everything will come back to life in the spring. The flowers that have been dead and buried for months will bloom and the trees that have been bare all winter will grow branches full of brand new leaves. And as I thought about that this morning, for the first time in a long time, I was amazed. And it felt really good.

I want to be amazed. I want to be satisfied with what I have. I want to be happy with the life that I’ve been given. I don’t want to live with the mindset that the world owes me more and that the things right around me aren’t good enough.  Because they are…they are amazing.

I’ve spent a little time recently in my own winter.  We all do, right? Where things seem snow covered and dead. And to be honest, for me there was a minute or two when it felt like it might be winter for a really long time. But man oh man does it feel good to see some green.  It’s not super green yet and there are still a few patches of snow. But I believe that the more time we spend appreciating the things around us that are amazing, the faster our own springs will get here.

daffodils_in_snow

This Is Not A Midlife Crisis

Standard

I was thinking today about a conversation I had last summer with my teenage son. We were standing in the kitchen talking about me getting a tattoo and he said that I must be having a midlife crisis. He did what any 17 year old would do to prove a point.  He googled it. Then he proceeded to read to me these “symptoms” from some, probably illegitimate, website. I stood there denying and/or justifying each one while we laughed, and I laughed again today as I thought about it. And since this is quickly becoming the place for me to bare my soul to the world, or at least to my tiny little circle of friends, I thought that maybe you’d enjoy a look at my last year of NOT going through a midlife crisis.

  • Taking up a new hobby.

archery

Yep, archery.  Not sure why. Just wanted to try something different I guess. So, I bought this cheap little practice bow which I was terrible with.  I was sure it was just the bow and not me, master archer that I am, that was bad.  But then I got a pretty awesome bow as a gift for Christmas which didn’t really make me any better…aaaand so I took archery lessons last month.

Now, I have neither the desire nor the heart to EVER actually kill anything…although if the squirrels tear up my yard like they did last year, it’s not entirely out of the question.  So yeah, not a midlife crisis…just a new hobby.

  • Wanting a simpler life.

I had this realization that there are billions of people in the world that are happier with way less than what I have. And that changed things for me.  But certainly this desire for a simpler life means that I am just becoming wiser with age and realize that I don’t NEED as much. Right? No crisis, just wisdom.

  • Running a Marathon.

marathon

Hmmmm. Ok.  Well, now that I have actually done that, I can tell you that this is NOT a rational response to a midlife crisis.  And besides, I only did it for charity, which leads me to…

  • Desire to make the world a better place.

Africa

Kind of goes along with the marathon. But this one really isn’t fair, because it’s kind of what my job is about, not the running, but the whole “making the world a better place” thing.  Not a midlife crisis, just a calling.

  • Losing weight.

Ok, sure, I did that and I can see how this might seem like a midlife crisis, but come on…it’s mostly just a direct result of the marathon.  Which, again, was not a midlife crisis! (I guess if I’m being honest here, it may have had a little to do with realizing that this body is getting a little older and I should probably start taking better care of it.)

  • Looking up high school friends, boyfriends or girlfriends on social media.

I am not guilty of this one…I mean, not exactly. I am still in contact with most of my old friends.  So I haven’t looked them up recently.  And I just had my 20 year reunion so I got to see them all.  At the reunion, someone did happen take this picture that I love of me with my high school best friend and boyfriend.  But since I didn’t technically “look them up”, I’m not counting this as a midlife crisis.

reunion

  • Longingly looking at old photos of yourself (yes, this was really on the list!)

I DID NOT and DO NOT look longingly at old photos of myself.  Ever.  However…I admit that I did use my senior picture as my Facebook profile for a day or so.  Embarrassing, yes.  But in my defense, it was my high school reunion and someone else suggested that we all do it.  So there.  It was clearly peer pressure, not a midlife crisis. (Due to the embarrassment that I feel about this one, I am not including said picture in this blog:)

  • Joining Twitter

Yeah…I did that.  But I have not been able to figure out how to use it and therefore it doesn’t count.

There were lots of other “symptoms” that I didn’t have and several more things that I was definitely guilty of. There were things like going to reunion concerts of favorite bands (I couldn’t get tickets to NKOTB), revisiting holiday destinations you remember from childhood (my holiday destination was Michigan and now I live here),  changing your hair color (who doesn’t do this?), no longer telling people your age (not guilty…in fact, my first blog was titled My 39), dreaming about quitting work (I actually love my job), taking vitamins (this just seems smart), looking up your medical symptoms on the internet (webMD may or may not be in my browser history), thinking about going to church but never acting on it (pssshhh. not guilty of this at all).

So, midlife crisis?  Eh, maybe.

But as I spent time thinking about it and composing this little recap of my past year, I’m realizing that maybe a crisis isn’t such a bad thing after all.  I mean, if the crisis of being mid-life has led me to simplify, help others, get healthy, reconnect with old friends and try new things…how bad is it really?

Maybe everyone should have a crisis of mid-life, a realization that you won’t be here forever.  That you only have a short time here to make a difference.  And that if you get to the end of your life, but you haven’t done something that matters after you’re gone, then your life will have been wasted. If I could change anything about my crisis, I just would have had it years ago. And I think that if everyone could just have a midlife crisis the world would be a much better place.

Oh…and, yes, I did get that tattoo after all.

tattoo

Micah 6:8 “And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”